Destroying The Illusion
by child-of-scorpio
Summary: How is it that two people can be so blind to reality? And who is it that is about to get a rude awakening: Lily, James…or both? [COMPLETE]
1. Part I

**Destroying the Illusion**

**Disclaimer: **Let's see...looks around...am I a successful author? Nope. Do I have two kids, with a third on the way, and a great husband? Nope. Am I the creator of a series of books that have captivated the whole world? Nope. Therefore, none of this belongs to me. Got it? Great. Keep going.

**Summary:** How is it that two people can be so blind to reality? And who is it that is about to get a rude awakening: Lily, James…or both?

**This entire fic (however long it becomes) is dedicated to Annum, for being one of the most amazing people I have known for a long time, who I've had so many hilarious conversations with (three letters – H.S.D. – see me for a translation!) and who's listened to me babble whenever I have problems. She's always been there for me (and somehow knows when something's wrong even when I don't mention it – are you psychic?!?). Hope you enjoy this Annum, because I wrote it for you!**

By the way, this is a relatively fluffy ficlet, so if you don't like that kind of stuff, look away now! I'm not sure how good it will be – it may sound a little rushed in places, and if that's the case, sorry in advance!

-&-

"Potter?"

"What?" James turned to face the redheaded girl behind him. Lily Evans was standing behind him, wearing an impatient expression.

"Remember to come tonight."

James looked perplexed. "What?" he repeated.

Lily sighed. It was just her luck to get the biggest idiot this side of the twentieth century as Head Boy. Two weeks in, and he had clearly already forgotten all about the responsibilities that came

with the shiny badge.

"We. Have. A. Meeting," she said, speaking very slowly and enunciating each word carefully, in case he had suddenly forgotten how to understand English as well. "Business."

"Right…right…" James still looked slightly confused. "Uhm…just remind me what time this is?"

Typical. Lily gritted her teeth. She could have been lucky, like Amanda Crosby last year, and had someone like Ethan Lanuor. Arguably one of the most diligent, not to mention good-looking, Head Students for several years. Instead, she had landed this…this…

"Eight," she said irritably. "Charms classroom, in case you forgot _that_ too."

"Ah." James pushed a hand through his hair, and Lily resisted the urge to scream. Or punch something. Preferably his face. "The thing is, I can't make it." He looked at a first-year scurrying

past. "Quidditch – Quidditch practice."

"The season hasn't started yet."

James looked rather surprised that she was even aware of this fact. "Yeah, but you see…we need to get out there. And practice." He had an entire catalogue of facial expressions, all, in Lily's opinion, perfectly calculated to convey his emotion while also making him look irresistibly appealing. Right now he was wearing the Apologetic-Yet-Irresistible face, and using it to full effect.

"Whatever," she said grudgingly. "Bye."

She stalked off, barely acknowledging his reply.

-&-&-&-

She watched him on Saturday morning as he ran into breakfast late with Sirius, white shirt only buttoned three-quarters of the way, belt of his dark jeans barely done up. He looked as if he had just climbed out of bed, which Lily highly doubted. Knowing his reputation, it was more likely to be the opposite way around – he had probably woken up extra early to create the 'I'm-Extra-Late' look.

Abandoning her own toast, she got up and took the seat next to him. He didn't even realise she was there until Sirius nudged him and cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, sorry Lily," he said hurriedly, wiping his mouth. "Hey."

"How was Quidditch?" Lily asked. A frown crossed his face, but she ploughed on. "I'm sure it was absolutely _invigorating_, especially since McKirick tells me that he _really_ enjoyed his evening.'

She stared accusingly. "Of course, I think _anyone_ would have enjoyed spending an evening in their common room with their girlfriend – _he_ certainly did. At any rate, he didn't get much practice done, did he? Well, not of the kind involving Quidditch, anyway."

Sirius winced in sympathy for James, who was trying to cover up his thunderstruck expression.

"Well," he said vaguely. "I thought I'd better work on some…strategies before I let the team loose on the pitch."

"Right," Lily said, not trusting him an inch. "Look, I don't have time to argue – next Friday, okay?"

James' eyes widened behind his glasses. "I can't, Lily. I'm sorry."

"What, you have _Quidditch practice_?" Her tone was unmistakably sarcastic.

"No…" James said. "I have…business…with the boys."

"Which clearly takes precedence over business with the entire school, I suppose?" Lily's tone was scathing.

"Look, I'm free any night – just not that one."

"Well I'm only free _that_ night!" Lily snapped. "Forget it, I'll talk to you later." She walked off for the second time in two days.

-&-&-&-

When Lily confronted her 'colleague' for the third time, she was not entirely unprepared for it. She had talked to someone on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and to Remus, and had ascertained from both that there were no outside commitments that James could claim as an excuse. Armed with this knowledge, she tracked him down after dinner, and asked, with as much politeness as she could muster, if he could _possibly _spare some of his time for a quick meeting.

James exhaled. "I can't."

"What no excuse to follow up?"

James shrugged. "I can't make it."

Lily lost what little patience she had. "Look, don't tell me you've got Quidditch or friends or whatever rubbish it is that you've trotted out so far, because I checked with others." She watched unconsciously as he pulled off his jumper and undid the top buttons of his shirt. "If you can't be bothered to help out, then maybe you should rethink actually doing the job at all."

James loosened his tie and exposed the top of his chest. Lily knew full well that had any girls been walking past, they would have gone into immediate fits over the 'Accessible Schoolboy' look that he was now displaying. The unbidden thought that it suited him rather well frustrated her even more. "Are you going to remain mute all day?" she demanded coldly.

James put his jumper into his bag and regarded her quietly with his piercing eyes. "I'm busy, Lily," he said tiredly. "Believe what you want to about that. I'm not trying to skive off." He walked off, muttering a faint "See you" over his shoulder.

For what seemed like the millionth time, Lily wondered why people like James Potter were even part of the human race, and why it was her cursed fate to have to deal with them personally.

-&-&-&-

It was Friday evening. Lily was sitting at a table, doing her Charms essay, having ignored her friends' pleas to go upstairs and relax. Well, perhaps 'attempting' was a better word than 'doing'. In the last hour, she had managed an underlined title, and four lines about how the Fidelius Charm had been developed.

"Just another five feet and eight inches to go," she muttered to herself, staring blankly at the books in front of her.

The problem was that a certain irritating boy kept cropping up in her mind's eye. She was very much tempted to find out what he was doing that he was so secretive about, but that was near impossible – he could be anywhere in this huge castle, or indeed, outside – she had a hard time believing that he would have any qualms about venturing out even on a dark, windy evening.

As if to add to her distraction, a group of sixth-year girls wandered in and plopped down on the rug beside her table.

"…he is _so_ good-looking, though…" said one girl dreamily. "I mean, what's not to like about him?"

"He must have a great body," another piped up. "All that Quidditch…can you believe that _James Potter_ has _never_ let a girl get that far with him?"

There was a chorus of shocked "Really?"s. Lily resisted the urge to groan at the sordid turn the conversation was taking. _Why am I even listening?_ she thought, trying to block her ears.

It didn't work. Things like that never did, especially when you really wanted them to. The words were soaking through her hands and finding their way up to her brain.

"Yeah," the girl said. "Apparently no girl has got him further than kissing…ooh, he must be a good kisser, you can tell from his lips."

Lily silently snorted. Tell he was a good kisser from his lips? What did these people do, photograph individual features and analyse them? She looked back down at her parchment, and felt a rush of irrational annoyance at the fact that if the aforementioned prat had bothered to have a meeting, she could have put this ridiculous essay off for another night.

"…_has_ to be a good kisser," someone was saying. "I mean, you've never seen any girls start gagging in the bathroom after a date, have you? It's the opposite – they practically beg for more."

"Well," said a hitherto silent girl. "I can tell you that he _is_ hiding some serious muscle under that shirt." She looked smug as her friends gaped at her. "Rebecca once went into the locker rooms after one of their Quidditch training sessions to find Nathan, and she saw _him_. In nothing but a _towel_."

Gasps of envy sounded, and Lily was surprised that none of them were sitting in pools of drool.

"She is one _lucky_ girl," a blonde-haired girl said jealously.

"Well she got into a changing room with both Sirius Black and James Potter in it, what d'you think?!?"

"Sirius has better hair, though," someone observed.

"Do you really think so?" the blonde one asked. "I mean, yeah, Sirius is definitely sexy in a classy way, but that messy hair….it was _made_ for you to run your hands through it."

"I've always loved his smile," a girl sighed. "It's all cheeky…and his eyes…he looks so clever and serious until he smiles and then you _know_ he's got that wicked glint in his eyes…"

"Never mind his hair, if he's got that good a body, imagine what he'd be like in b-"

Lily had heard enough. Stuffing her things into her bag, she walked straight through the group of girls who were giggling furiously as the blonde one completed her sentence. Trying not to throw up at the mental image they had just created, she headed for the library, hoping for a little more peace and quiet there.

The library was mercifully almost empty. A girl was sitting at a table near the door, and further back in a corner, tow figures, one tall, one small, were waving wands and talking in hushed whispers. Lily settled down with a sigh of relied and began work again.

Although the foundations of the Fidelius Charm were set down in 1232, it was almost a hundred years before wandwork had progressed sufficiently for wizards to be able to take the spell to the next level, and be able to conceal the abstract concept of a secret, rather than material things…

Ten minutes later, she looked up again to stretch her neck, and yawned, watching the two people converse. A line of their conversation drifted over to her and she froze.

"…no, not like that, flick it a bit higher…"

Wary now, she strained her eyes, and caught the flash of a pair of glasses in the torchlight. It couldn't be…this couldn't be what he was doing…could it?

Before she knew it, she was walking across the library floor until she reached their little alcove, and sure enough, there was James, his back to her, demonstrating a flick and flourish with his wand. A little girl, her hair in plaits, concentrated hard as the teapot in front of him turned into a turtle.

"That's all you need to do," he was saying, as he changed the turtle back with a flick of his wand. "It's easier than it looks, just be a little more confident."

The girl narrowed her eyes and jabbed and flicked her wand. The spout slowly turned into a head, and four legs sprouted.

"I did it, I nearly did it!" the girl said excitedly. The turtle opened its mouth and emitted a puff of steam, and the girl giggled. "It's cute."

James laughed. "Well done, kiddo," he said, patting her on the back. "And you told me you couldn't even transfigure a match into a needle – look at you now!"

"I have to write down how to do it," the girl said. She was beaming with pride as she turned round. "Where's my bag – oh -" She seemed to shrink as she saw Lily standing there.

"What?" James turned too. For a moment, his face registered shock. "Lily? How long have you been there?"

Lily glared at the boy opposite. "Potter," she said frostily. "We have to talk."

James looked wrongfooted at her tone, but turned to the girl. "Okay Ailsa, we'll leave it there for today – you've done well. Practice what we covered."

Ailsa stuffed her books into her bag as quickly as she could. "Thanks, James," she said hurriedly, and bolted. James watched her go.

"Cute kid – hey, what's the big deal?" he protested, as Lily pulled him out of the library too.

"The big deal," said Lily, as the door swung shut behind them, "is that you lied to me!"

"Excuse me? What do you mean, 'lied to you'?" The look of confusion on James' face was beginning to be replaced by anger.

"You didn't tell me you were tutoring first-years!" she said. "You didn't tell me the sort of person you really are!"

James looked at Lily as though he thought she was mad. Then it clicked. "I know what's eating you up, Miss I-Know-Everything," he said slowly. "You don't like the wool being pulled over your eyes, do you? You don't like being made a fool out of, do you?"

"Of course not! Lily protested. "I mean, of course…" She shuddered angrily. "I don't know what I feel any more!"

"You thought I was a 'bad boy', didn't you?" James continued cruelly. "You believe all the gossip and rubbish that everyone talks about, don't you? That's your trouble, Lily, you've judged me by what you think I am, and not by _who_ I am! You thought I was just some arrogant prankster -"

"No," she lied.

"Another arrogant idiot who thought he'd try out his luck on the cleverest witch in the school, see if he could add another notch to his imaginary bedpost!"

Lily was dumbstruck. No boy had ever spoken to her like this, least of all James. She was used to him complimenting and flattering her, usually hoping for a date. This was like being doused with icy water.

"Well let me tell you, _Lily_," James continued, and he pointed an angry, accusing finger at Lily. "I could have had almost any girl I wanted. And no, I'm not being bigheaded, it's the truth!"

Lily nodded meekly; she knew that for once, James was right.

"But I chose _you_, Lily, I decided to go after _you_, Lily, someone who was so high and mighty that she wouldn't even look at me twice -"

_No, it wasn't like that_, Lily thought, almost tearfully. _I thought you were so bigheaded that I wouldn't give you the _chance_ to show me who you really were. I didn't want you and everyone to see that I was like every other girl. I didn't want to make an idiot of myself._

As if echoing her thoughts, James' voice cut into her thoughts.

"I chose to make a complete idiot of myself in front of my friends, in front of your friends," James raged, "and all because…all because…"

Lily barely knew what to expect next. "Yes?" she asked softly.

James shrugged self-consciously, and turned his hazel-coloured eyes away from the girl opposite.

"All because I think I've fallen in love with you…"

Whatever Lily _had_ been expecting, it certainly wasn't that.

_Where did that come from?_

An enormous silence fell on the room. Lily took a step towards him and reached out to touch him on the shoulder. "James…I don't know what to say…"

"There's nothing _to_ say," he said sullenly, and turned away. Lily pulled him back and forced him to look at her. Something was beginning to register in her mind, and it spilled out before she knew what she was saying.

"You're right," she said quietly. "I thought you were conceited and arrogant, and a thousand other things. I saw you as the opposite of me, in the worst way possible. And I couldn't…I couldn't understand why part of me…_liked_ what I saw."

"What?" James looked as though he couldn't believe his ears. Lily shrugged, flushing.

"What did you just say?" James repeated, advancing on her.

Lily took a step back. "Well, any girl would feel a physical attraction…"

James stopped. "Is that how you think? You need to justify everything you feel with every reason under the sun other than the truth?" He looked at her. "You know, I always thought that our…_relationship_ would never – would never be anything more than hopeless…and I always hoped that maybe you'd change, even though you acted so much more grown-up…that maybe there'd be a point to me going after you for God knows how many years." He shrugged. "Now I see that maybe it wasn't you…that I'm the one who's grown up…you haven't changed at all. Not one bit." He picked up his bag. "Bye…Evans," he said, and walked off. Lily watched him go.

Somewhere inside her, there was a powerful ache, as though a protective layer had been stripped away to reveal a raw spot underneath. A defence had been broken down – the question was, what was it that had been hidden all this time?

-&-&-&-

**A/N**: There we go – that was pretty much one day's worth of scribbling on the sofa, ending up with 9 pages of bright red pen (it was a bit of an eyesore to type up). There may be a second part to this, orI may leave it hanging. It all depends on whether I feel inspired or not. Anyway, leave a review if you can!


	2. Part II

**Destroying the Illusion**

**Disclaimer: **Let's see...looks around...am I a successful author? Nope. Do I have two kids, with a third on the way, and a great husband? Nope. Am I the creator of a series of books that have captivated the whole world? Nope. Therefore, none of this belongs to me. Got it? Great. Keep going.

**Summary:** How is it that two people can be so blind to reality? And who is it that is about to get a rude awakening: Lily, James…or both?

**This entire fic is dedicated to Annum, for being one of the most amazing people I have known for a long time, who I've had so many hilarious conversations with (three letters – H.S.D. – see me for a translation!) and who's listened to me babble whenever I have problems. She's always been there for me (and somehow knows when something's wrong even when I don't mention it – are you psychic?). Hope you enjoy this Annum, because I wrote it for you!**

**-&- **

Oddly enough (and in complete contrast to most of the romantic novels Lily had dipped into), James did not choose to ignore her very existence after their little 'incident'as being "the only balm he could use to soothe his wounded heart". However, he didn't actually revert to his normal talkative manner either –at least, not with her. Instead, he treated her normally – that is to say, as a general "acquaintance". He did not once ask her out, joke about or insult her, or behave in any way that could have caused offence. His speech, when he had occasion to talk to her at Prefect meetings, was quiet and courteous, if a little restrained. All of Lily's friends, although in the dark about what exactly had happened, were convinced that this change of manner would finally make Lily stop complaining about him. It was something she had done for the last seven years almost unceasingly, and they welcomed the imminent relief.

And to all appearances, Lily _did_ stop. James' name barely passed her lips, and she was apparently buried in her other interests, clearly enjoying herself. Most of her friends suspected that her seeminglybuoyant mood was because she loved _not_ having to exchange insults with James any more.

But inwardly, Lily was irritated to the point of desperation. She had expected, like her friends, that not having James constantly at her side, purposing making provocative comments, would leave her with a kind of peace that she had not known for a long time, and instead, she found herself becoming frustrated anyway because he _didn't_. His polite tones infuriated her beyond belief, simply because they were so _restrained_. She would almost have preferred James as his normal self, which he still was – around other people. A couple of times, she had even made comments that were purposely intended to aggravate him. Despite failing to elicit any kind of reaction, a certain look in the eyes of Sirius, Remus and Peter told her that they were by no means blind to her real intents.

It was after one such encounter that she wandered back to the common room, fuming. Flinging herself into a chair, she stared moodily at the wall opposite. _Whatis _wrong_ with him?_ she asked herself. _When someone totally insults someone else and you have a fight, either you ignore them completely or you forgive and forget and go back to normal. You do not go half and half!_ She knew that he was capable of acting normally – he was certainly not playing the part of a woebegone puppy to gain attention. Whenever she noticed him in lessons or corridors or meals, he seemed perfectly happy, joking and laughing with his friends, with people he walked into – with anyone who was not _her_.

"Argh!" Screwing up a piece of parchment, she lobbed it into the fire to relieve her frustrations. It did not help at all.

It was a few minutes later that two figures came up to her. When she didn't respond to their presence, keeping her eyes squeezed tightly shut, they sighed in unison and pulled up two chairs – one sitting down normally, and the other turning the chair back-to-front and straddling it, leaning forward.

"Lily!"

Deciding it would be fruitless to ignored them any longer, as it was blatantly obvious that she was not actually asleep, Lily opened her eyes unwillingly. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were both staring at her.

"What?" she asked ungraciously. She saw the two boys exchange a look that said quite plainly that they had expected this.

"Look," Sirius began awkwardly,without any preamble, "James, Remus and I have been friends for a long time -"

"How sweet," Lily said sarcastically.

"- and normally we don't poke our heads into each other's love lives -"

"So why are you talking to me?" Lily interjected. "I have nothing to do with any of your lives, thank goodness -love or otherwise."

"On the contrary," Remus contradicted gently, "you have a lot to do with one of ours. Namely, James."

Lily rolled her eyes. "If this is some pathetic attempt to get me to go out on a mercy date -"

"Lily, just shut up and _listen_ for a minute, will you?" Sirius snapped, exasperated.

Lily closed her mouth and gave him a murderous stare.

He groaned. "See, I told you this wouldn't be easy," he muttered to Remus. "Can't we just go?"

"No," Remus said firmly. "We're staying." He turned to Lily. "Look Lily, what we're trying to say is that whether you like it or not, you're kind of tied up very tightly in James' life." Lily avoided his gaze, staring at the floor. "We obviously don't know what happened – James is too much of a dark horse to open his mouth – but it's clearly some sort of a disagreement between the two of you, and it's upset both of you."

"Oh really?" Lily laughed sardonically. "I don't see him looking that upset."

Sirius broke in impatiently. "Lily, do _you_ spend twenty-four hoursa day with the boy?"

Lily could only shake her head.

"Good, so my point's made. You don't. We do. We know how he thinks."

"Anyway," Remus continued, "he's annoyed about it. Well – annoyed, depressed, some sort of a combination of the two. And considering the way he acts around you, and the things we've heard you saying to him, we're guessing that you're the cause."

"I did nothing wrong!" Lily said hotly, before clamping her mouth shut abruptly – was she sure about that?

Remus held up a hand to placate her. "We're not saying either of you is blameless," he said hurriedly. "Just…do something about it. Talk to him. Sort it out. He's too stubborn to do anything, but if you make the first move, this'll be over in a matter of seconds."

"Why me?"

"We thought you were the more adult of the two."

Lily bit her lip. The words had stirred an unpleasant memory…_thought you were more grown-up…_

Sirius and Remus got up to go. "It's your call," Sirius advised her. "Think about it. It'll do you both the world of good."

"Stupid thick-headed boys," Lily muttered as they turned. "How do they know what's good for me?"

A loud chuckle came to her ears. "We may be stupid, thick-headed boys," Remus called back, "but we're _seventeen-year-old_ stupid, thick-headed boys. As opposed to twelve-year-old stupid, thick-headed boys. And more importantly, we're not blind."

**-&-&-&-**

A few days later, however, Lily was at her wits' end. As crazy as it sounded, she thought she might just go mad if she _didn't_ have to defend her opinions to anyone, and so, disagreeably, she resolved to take up Sirius and Remus' advice.

She chose a school day, just after a Charms class. The smell of the last roses was wafting in through the open window, for weak sunshine was still illuminating and warming the room. Outside in the corridor, chattering students passed by, heading down to the Great Hall, and their echoing footsteps resounded all over the castle. As the class was dismissed, Lily whispered a few well-chosen words under her breath, taking careful aim with her wand, and sure enough, the buckle on James' bag fell apart. James cursed quietly.

"Go on, I'll meet you later," he said to his friends, fiddling with his strap. Reluctantly, Peter, Sirius and Remus left the room. The look Remus gave her as he walked out told her that she had been noticed, but still she stood behind James, waiting for the door to swing shut and for him to straighten. When he did heave his bag to his shoulders and turn towards the door, Lily stepped out in front of him.

"Wait," she said. "We need to talk."

James looked at he, and almost immediately she saw the cool, courteous mask slide on. "I would but I really need to go to lunch."

"This'll only take a few minutes. Please?" Lily tried to sound persuasive.

James let out a short breath. "Okay. How can I help you?"

"It's – we need to – about that night -" Now that she finally had his attention, she was struggling for words.

"What evening?" James asked smoothly.

_That_ snapped Lily out of her tongue-tied manner.

"You know perfectly well what evening!" she said sharply. "Don't play games."

James bowed his head in acquiescence, and Lily continued, "Look, it's been really awkward since then, what with you not talking to me -"

"I'm talking to you right now."

"- all right, not talking _properly_ to me, and it's really bugging me. And about all that stuff that night – I can't really excuse my – well, my, uhm, hormones – you _are_ good-looking " Lily was blushing violently as she said this, " – so please, can't we just be fr – can't we just be normal again?" She had realised in the nick of time that perhaps 'friends' wasn't the most accurate word to describe the two of them.

James looked up and down at her searchingly. "That's why you want to sort things out?" he asked finally. "So everything can go back to normal?"

"Well…yeah." Lily shifted uncertainly. The next moment, she knew she had said something very wrong, as James' eyes flared.

"You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" It was not a question. "Everything I've – why do I even bother?" Spots of red appeared on his cheeks, but his eyes did not diminish in intensity. "Look, you can't stand me. The way I walk, the way I talk, the friends I have, the way I work, the way I think – you can't stand anything. And yes, I'm an arrogant, big-headed, self-obsessed, conceited, over-ambitious prankster with no regard for rules or for other people, and with less general potential than the Giant Squid." James' face twisted slightly. "In case you haven't realised, yes, I have heard everything you've ever said about me – I just preferred to think you didn't mean it. Well maybe I _am_ all those things to you. Anything to keep you in your own cosy world, right? Let's just leave it there."

Lily opened her mouth in shock to protest, but, for the second time that week, James had already left.

**-&-&-&-**

_October 13th, 19—_

_Well, would you look at that? Unlucky number thirteen. And this time, that phrase couldn't be truer. It's been three weeks so far, and I know I haven't written in here for ages (blame the homework), so I'll summarise the last events by saying that after our last little "chat" James has resorted to ignoring me. In a way, it's easier, because I know where I stand, but it's also painful, because I don't – I still don't follow why he's doing this._

_That's a lie. I get that I've disappointed him somehow, but it's all so hazy – it's infuriating, because if there's nothing definite I've done, there's nothing definite I can apologise for. I suppose that, as much as I hate to admit it,w hen I tried to sort things out, I was basically doing it as a way of making life easier, but he didn't have to be so harsh about it! Even though it wasn't really an admission of a fault, so didn't mean anything. But what am I apologising _for

_This is really bugging me._

_Ugh. He is so ANNOYING – why does he have to mess with me like this? I can't work out what's going on, him being so obscure does NOT help, and I can't ask for help, because Savita doesn't know what's going on – I haven't told her the whole story of what's happening._

_You know, he's being really inconsiderate by doing this. He – _

_That's another lie. He's been far more…well, something, than I expected him to be. Considerate? I don't know.The other day, I was moaning to Savita that I didn't know how to collate the month's detentions and points record, because I didn't know how to get James' work, and when I went up to bed that night, there were these rolls of parchment lying on my table. All his half of the accounting. Heaven knows how he got them up there. Spooky, right?_

_And I will say that him ignoring me has been just that – him ignoring me. No malicious comments, no blatant insults, nothing that would make it really obvious to anyone else – to his credit, it's just that he doesn't acknowledge me. In a way, it would be easier if it _was_ public, because I'd have other people to fight for me, but that would entail a schoolful of gossip too, so I shouldn't really complain, should I? Every prefects' meeting, I keep hoping that he'll have to say something to me, and then this'll all be over. But it never happens. Either he's far enough away to pass a message through someone, or he sort of addresses the room in general. I can't blame him, though…_

_I don't believe this! Half of this entry has been me actually _defending_ him! I must be going crazy…_

_And when did I start calling him 'James'?_

Lily snapped the diary shut and sat on it. She was curled up on the window seat of the common room, having retreated from the too-warm fire at the other end. Staring into the cool darkness outside, she was ensconced in the shadows, deep in her own thoughts, which seemed to grow more and more miserable as time ticked on. Thankfully no one had noticed her here.

Until now. A dark-haired girl with deep-brown, almost black eyes, had come over to sit down.

"Hi, Savita," Lily said tiredly, not bothering to look up.

Savita nodded in acknowledgement. "How's it going?"

Lily shrugged. There was a short pause.

"You know, you've seemed a little down for a while now," Savita said offhandedly. "Want to talk about it?"

Nothing.

"Well, I wouldn't really blame you if you were a little depressed," she continued. "I mean, no one's in the best of moods, and you've got more to deal with than most, what with school, and homework, and your Head Girl responsibilities, and dealing with James Potter - "

"It's got nothing to do with any of them!" Lily said defensively.

"I never said it did," Savita said calmly. She remained as she was, staring into the window just as Lily was doing.

"Well," Lily said, at long last, "maybe it's got something to do with one of those. But I'm not saying which!"

Savita was still. "What if we go down to the library later? I was thinking that maybe you could help me with some Charms? And I can help you with Transfiguration too? Although, do you have Head stuff as well?" Her gaze was still fixed on the window. "I suppose even if James was doing part of it -"

"Well I wouldn't know anyway, would I, seeing as he's not talking to me," Lily interrupted bitterly.

Savita raised her head. "That's what's bothering you, isn't it?"

Lily nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on Savita's reflection. Then she realised what had just happened. "Damn you and your psychological tricks."

Savita smiled. "Hey, don't diss them – they work." Her tone softened. "So, now that you've divulged this much, feel like telling me the rest?"

"It sounds really stupid," Lily mumbled.

"Try me."

So, slowly, Lily related the whole story, right from the sordid conversation that had driven her to the library in the first place, to the last disastrous conversation with James. Savita listened intently, her dark eyes fixed on Lily's averted face.

"Well," she said, when Lily finally finished. "I knew it was something to do with him, but I didn't realise it was like _this_."

"And I would be able to get past all of it, if it wasn't for the fact that I don't even _know_ what I've done wrong in the first place, because he's so vague about it!"

Savita looked thoughtful. "Tell me what he said the first time – when you actually fought."

"Uhm…you mean, how I wasn't as grown up as he -"

"No, no. Before that."

Lily thought hard. "That…is this what it is?…I have to justify things with every reason under the sun except the truth…then the growing-up stuff." She screwed up her nose. "Why does he have to talk so cryptically?"

Savita stared at her so unreadably that Lily wondered if she'd heard her at all. A few seconds later, she widened her eyes.

"I knew that line was bugging me," she said. "That's it, Lil. There's your reason."

"Huh?"

Savita rolled her eyes. "Lily, do I need to spell it out to you?"

"No, O Great One, I'm already enlightened," Lily said sarcastically. "Yes, you do, if you'd be so kind."

"James likes you," Savita said patiently.

Lily grimaced. "We established that."

"And you like him."

"_What?_"

"And he knows that you like him."

"_WHAT_?"

"You like him and he knows it," Savita repeated matter-of-factly.

"No – no I don't! How could I?"

Savita sighed. "It all makes sense, Lily. You've always been so vehemently anti-James-Potter, but now look at you. You're purposely trying to get him back to what you're used to him doing."

"That's just because I don't like having people angry with me!" Lily protested.

"Mmmhmm." The look on Savita's face soon broke Lily's remaining resistance.

"You're right, aren't you?" She heaved a sigh. "Damn you Savita, you're too logical. Maybe I do…do like him." She buried her face in her hands. "There, I said it. I never imagined it would come to this."

"Good," Savita said calmly. "So, now that you've admitted it, all that remains is for you to do something about it."

Lily lifted her head again. "Like what?"

"Like talk to him."

"No, I can't." Lily shook her head. "I tried that last time, remember? He won't talk to me anyway."

Savita raised her eyebrows. "Coward."

Lily shook her head again. "Trust me, I don't need to dig a bigger hole for myself than I have already.His opinion of me is so low it's practically six feet under the bed of the lake." Her expression was so adamant that it was Savita's turn to heave a sigh as she got up.

"It's up to you, Lily."

**-&-**

Another two weeks passed by, and still there was no change in the situation. The last lingering hints of autumn had left the air, and winter was moving in to take its place, complete with sharp winds and cold frosts every morning. The crisp air snapped at Lily's face every time she ventured outside, and more often than not, she retreated hastily indoors after a few minutes. Savita's words had not left her mind, but she preferred to remain as she was. It seemed somehow safer than sorting things out with James, only to expose things that she had ignored for so long. A rut it was, but it was a comfortable one, and Lily had no intention of stirring from it for a long while.

However, it seemed that she was not supposed to pick and choose where and when anything would happen. She was walking up to the Gryffindor Tower one day, when her feet suddenly locked to the floor. For a moment, she kept going, not understanding what was going on, and promptly overbalanced. When she had pulled herself back up again, Sirius was standing in front of her.

"_Accio_ wand," he said, and before she had time to think, her wand had flown out of her pocket and straight into Sirius' hand.

"Sirius," she said angrily, trying to pull her feet away. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sirius said cheerfully. "Just stay right there." He smirked. "Oh wait…you don't really have a choice, do you?"

Lily glared at him as he walked off. She looked up, and then down the corridor, hoping that perhaps someone would come and help her, but only bare expanses of dull grey stone met her eyes. A few shafts of cold winter daylight lit up the passage here and there, for it was not yet dark enough for the torches to ignite, but as she was standing in the shadows anyway, it didn't make much difference. There was almost complete silence, and the smell of must was pervading her nostrils.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, two sets of footsteps could be heard, and Lily looked up to see a triumphant-faced Sirius walking back up towards her. The figure behind him was hidden, but looked vaguely familiar.

_Oh God, _Lily prayed. _Please, please don't let it be – _

And then Sirius stepped aside, and Lily looked straight at the boy behind, whose eyes widened as he saw her.

James.

"What the hell is going on, Sirius?" he said furiously. "I'm going." He turned, but before he could take more than a few paces, Sirius had deftly frozen him in place and captured his wand.

"Sirius…" Two voices echoed warningly. Sirius merely looked smug.

"Now, let's see," he said musingly, as if to himself. "Turned around, for a start, I think." He flicked his wand, and James revolved on the spot until he was facing Lily, whose eyes were firmly fixed on Sirius.

"Perhaps a little closer? Yes, I think so." He flicked again, and James slid uncontrollably forward, until he was no more than a few inches away from Lily; so close than his breath ruffled her hair. Still he gazed steadfastly upwards, over the top of her head.

"Now," Sirius said, in a tone so insufferably self-satisfied that Lily's one dying ambition, at that moment, was to hit him. Hard. By the mutinous expression she could just about make out above her, James' mind wasn't running along a very different track. "You two are going to stand there. Until you've sorted things out. For as long as it takes. Do I make myself clear?" He eyed them both. "I don't care if I hear shouting, yelling, arguing, crying, or even walls being punched. You won't be free until your differences are settled. Understood?"

Without waiting for a response, he sauntered off, both their wands stickingout of his back pocket, as if to taunt them.

Like Lily before him, James immediately tried to pull his feet off the ground manually.

"Don't," Lily said dully. "I tried it. It doesn't work."

At her words, he gave his right thigh one last tug, and then stopped, but resumed his gaze over her head. Lily opened her mouth, but nothing came out. What was she supposed to say anyway? 'I'm sorry' clearly hadn't worked out the last time. She looked discreetly up at him, towering above her.

_So this is who my stupid brain chooses to like_, she thought frustratedly. _Someone who hasn't managed to grasp the concept of combing his hair, or of buttoning his shirt all the way to the top. He is _not_ suave. _Not_ sexy. Not in the least. Not to mention he fails the basic requirement of actually _talking_ to me!_

In all respects, the future did indeed look rather bleak.

**-&-**

A short while later, Sirius returned, only to find them bothstill in the same position. He sighed irritably.

"I take it neither of you wanted to be the mature one?"

"As if you are!" James retorted indignantly. "Sirius, unfreeze my feet so I can come and hex you into next year."

"And me!" Lily added angrily. Despite the fact that she wanted to make up with James, having to stand in such close proximity to him while she did it was nothing if not embarrassing. "You won't be able to _walk_ by the time I've finished with you!"

Sirius tutted. "Such tempers," he said condescendingly. "And clearly neither of you ever learnedany persuasive skills.Or how to bribe anyone.Did I teach you nothing?"He walked up and pulled out a hand from each of them. "Look, just shake hands, that'll be _something_. That way you can at least talk to each other and we'll work on the friends thing."

James wrenched his hand away. "I don't want to be friends," he said flatly.

Something snapped in Lily, and she too pulled her hand out of Sirius'. "But I _do_," she said softly.

There was a pause. Sirius, looking, once again, smug, was watching them as he took a few steps backward. "That's more like it. Did I really need to spell it out to you?"

The words rang a bell, and Lily suddenly looked hard at him. "Sirius, did Savita put you up to this?"

"Savita? Who's Savita? What's she got to do with anything?" Sirius looked genuinely baffled.

"Never mind," Lily said, rolling her eyes. She watched him stroll away again, looking supremely unconcerned about the death glare she was giving him.

**-&-**

The carefree walk lasted until he rounded the corner, at which point he crashed into another person who grabbed him by the collar and thrust him into the deeper shadows where they were standing.

"That was _brilliant_!" Savita whispered excitedly. "_Who's Savita? _A stroke of genius!"

Sirius grinned. "Thank you." He massaged his neck. "Although you've clearly got a flair for dramatics too, judging by the way you dragged me here."

Savita shrugged. "What can I say? I just have violent tendencies."

"Well anyway, it does look a little more promising now. Lily opened her mouth, at least."

Savita's dark eyes twinkled mischievously. "Finally. All this waiting might actually pay off."

**-&-**

Meanwhile, Lily had turned from watching Sirius go, to find James staring at her. The full intensity of his hazel eyes was rather unnerving, even from behind glasses, at this distance.

She swallowed. "What?" she asked, her voice unnaturally high.

"What did you just say?" James asked, quietly.

Lily screwed up her face for a moment. "That…that I want to be friends," she said faintly, trying to hold his gaze.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because – because -" Lily struggled for words. "Because I -" She drooped. "Just because."

"Go on."

"I – I, uhm…" Lily looked away from his face, hoping it would be easier to talk if she didn't look at his cool expression. "Look…J – James…this is really hard, okay? I never knew…what I know how, _honestly_, and Savita had to tell me bluntly before I could understand for myself. And I'll admit that they weren't exactly welcome, but now I know that I can't function – I can't be myself without them. I mean…without my feelings. For you."

She kept her head down. "And – and I tried hard, _really_ hard to fight what I felt – I'll regret saying this later, but I'm so sick of deceiving myself that you may as well know it too. The fact…the fact of the matter is…I was under this delusion that you were exactly the same person you were in first year – I believed in this illusion of you, just because I was – was so used to it that it made life easier to go along with it – to have you as this bad person that I could vent my annoyances on, because you were like a sitting duck. So I never gave you the chance to show me who you really were either." She fell silent, hoping that her outburst had bridged the gap between them a little more. It certainly could not lower her any more than she already was in his eyes.

"Lily." A finger under her chin gently forced her to meet his eyes for a few split seconds. "Are you saying that you…like me?"

"Yes," Lily half-whispered.

The finger disappeared, and Lily immediately redirected her gaze onto the floor, feeling it was safer, given that her cheeks were currently turning neon red.

"Is this – do you – are you fighting it?"

Despite the odd phrasing, Lily heard the uncertainty in his tone, the worry that even if what she said were true, he would still be rejected.

"If you had asked me a while ago," she said quietly. "I would have said yes. But…I would have been lying. To you, and probably to myself too." She gave a tired laugh. "You see, as much I proclaimed my dislike of you and hung it on banners for everyone to see, and argued and fought…I _needed_ you, in my own odd way. So now…no, I'm not trying to fight it. But anything would be good right now - even just friendship. I'm tired of fighting over stupid things." She paused. "And that's pretty muchallwe've everdone for the past six years, really."

There was quiet. Then James sighed. "Look…Lily…as much as you want me to, I don't want to be your friend. I _can't_ be your friend."

A lump rose to Lily's throat and she swallowed hard. "But why?" she burst out. "I know I've made mistakes, but now…friendship would be enough anyway, whatever else happens. I swear I won't be judgemental -"

"Lily." The word brought her back, and she blushed even more violently as she thought of all the things she had just admitted to. Of course, there was also that little niggling voice in her head that was rolling on the floor in fits of laughter at the fact that she was begging for the friendship of a boy she had 'despised' at the beginning of the term.

James' voice was restrained. "Lily, I can't be friends with you…because I – I want to be much more than that."

It took a moment for the full meaning of his words to sink in, but when it did, something swelled, and Lily found herself meeting his eyes fully for the first time. James' gaze was still unreadable, but it certainly wasn't angry.

"Really?" she whispered, her voice catching.

James half-smiled, and she shivered as she felt his hands settle lightly on her waist. "As clichéd and sappy as it sounds to say this, Lily, it's always been you. I realised that a long time ago. All that was left was to wait. For you."

His voice struck an unpleasant, remorseful chord, and Lily stiffened. "And all that time I was so awful to you." She bit her lip. "James, maybe you're wrong." Something inside her wrenched painfully as she said the next few words. "You – you deserve a girl who doesn't keep running away from you."

James' hazel eyes focused intently on her face. "So stop running," he whispered. Relie, mingled with a new, not unpleasant sensation,flooded Lily, and she lifted her face fully as James leaned in. After a long, hesitant moment, their lips brushed.

A jolt shot through Lily as he made contact with her, and strangely enough, as if to correspond, something flashed in the corner of her eye. All of a sudden, she staggered into James, effectively breaking the kiss, and both swayed unsteadily as they simultaneously discovered that their feet had been released.

"Well," Lily said, feeling that she had to break the awkward silence. "I don't know whether to kill Sirius…or kiss him."

"I opt for the former, personally." James gave her another half-grin and shifted uncomfortably. "Is this when we find out if we were just feeding each other lines to get freed?"

"Well...I don't know about you, but -" Lily disengaged herself and strode off.

James was left staring at the spot where she had been standing. A leaden block plummeted through his stomach, as, in a moment of stark clarity, he realised that he should have known it was too good to be true. Slowly, he began to walk back.

The feeling lasted, however, only until he turned the corner. A familiar redhead was leaning against the wall, bright emerald eyes challenging him.

"You didn't think I was serious, did you?" she questioned, walking up to him, her head cocked innocently to one side.

"Wha – no, no, of course not," James stammered, feeling very wrong-footed. Was this the same Lily Evans, or had she accidentally traded personalities with Sirius?

"Good." Lily twisted her arms shyly around his neck. "Just trying to speak the language of a Marauder." She stood on tiptoe, and James had no choice but to chuckle as he met her lips again. And this time, they did not part.

**-&-**

In a corridor further on, Savita and Sirius silently high-fived each other, grinning.

"Operation Love a success," Savita whispered, her eyes twinkling. Sirius' cool grey eyes twinkled too, as they rested on her face.

"What an original name," he muttered, amusement evident in his voice.

Savita rolled her eyes. "Forget the name – do you think it's too early for us to start sending out the wedding invites?"

**-&-&-&-**

**A/N:** The end! A fluffy, plotless something that is now complete in all its pink cotton-candy-ness! Feel free to leave a review! And Annum, hope you liked it!


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